Before I Wake

“What a useless waste of space, if I should die before I wake” the words of Lauryn Hill, her raspy but precise voice groaning words of regret and self punishment. I chucked the CD in on my way home, a soundtrack that drags my range of emotion from elation to sorrow which is where Lauryn often takes me. The sentiment of this particular song pulls at this Irish woman’s core, well likely at the core of any people that have had the weight of parental, religious or societal oppression as a tool to install or impose guilt. I just so happen to be of a people that sin fantastically and I like to think that I have done my ancestors proud. Hard living, hard drinking, foul language and horny…yeah, sounds about right no?

“My guilty heart behaves so foolishly. This treason from within, that reasons with my sin, won’t be happy till it sees the death of me” …..Damn Lauryn. I’ve done too much of re-hashing of old stories as of late so I will refrain from bringing up what got me to this particular mantra that I live by but in short, I could be gone tomorrow and I would hate to, “go out” with a heart that is full of regret. I decided long ago to not be bound by the confines of anyone’s idea of what my life or behavior should be and in doing so I found that while some may worry that I am living my life too fast, others understand that life is in fact often far too short. You know those moments that you look back on and think, “Damn, I wish I would have” yeah well I have very few of those.

Life has seasoned me with the very real understanding that sometimes the light just goes out; dad dead at 26 and mom at 55. No warning, no illness, just gone. So much left unsaid, undone and never felt. I don’t know about you but thinking about being done without feeling all that can or could, well that threat seems far worse than any hangover, morning after conversation or little pang of fear of the unknown. I simply don’t want to wake one day and think, “Yeah I played by all the rules, played it safe and my whole life has been a spinning loop of Thursdays” as a matter of fact that scares me most of all.



So as I sit here the night before I board a plane, an act that I will confess makes me terribly nervous, I started thinking about the things I still ache to do. The things that I have yet to feel due to financial, timing or logistical constraints. All my sweet….and some not so sweet, little fantasies, the ones I drift off to sleep thinking about, the ones that chirp in my ear and tug at my heart, keep me fired up and full of desire. With Lauryn’s words still rolling around in my head, “What a useless waste of space if I should die before I wake” I thought of the things I would hate knowing I never got a chance to do.

I would regret never

Dancing with my son at his wedding

Holding my sister’s child

Spending a week in Champagne




Being in France with Amy

Drinking an aged Barolo….in Barolo

Playing one round of golf with my beloved husband, (his true love…not mine)

Making love on the deck of a sailboat at night



Spending an afternoon tasting wine with Ron Washam, two things I love

Laughing so hard I peed my pants….the previous might help with this one

Drinking a bottle of Montrachet

Having Tom Wark make me a cocktail



Tasted the perfect French fry

Feeling Charlie Olken’s lips on my cheek

Spending a week in Greece

Making The Wine Country the most successful wine shop in Southern California

Being able to just once look at myself and not feel like the ugliest woman in the room



Sharing a bottle of Pastis with John Kelly….in Beaune

Shaking Eric Asimov’s hand

Telling Chuck Morris that I truly adore him

Making Michael Sullivan laugh so hard he snorts wine out his nose

Finishing the books that Thomas and Chris sent me....their books

Meeting the people that read this silly crap I write….share a glass of wine with them

Making love over a barrel in a Burgundian cellar



Having my feet rubbed while I drink a bottle of Vogue Bonnes Mares

Had my true love drink red wine from the small of my back


Damn, better quit I could keep this up all night and I have some packing to do. By this time on Monday I will have checked a few of those reader meetings off my list.....see you Monday Benito and Michael!