Dear Amy,
You know those times in our lives when we do something so monumentally stupid, so profoundly inexcusable that there really is no way to truly say you’re sorry? No words big enough, no amount of screaming and crying will ever make up for the wrong that was done? Broken hearts, broken trust, broken families all of it your hand and you are left owning the very real pain caused to everyone? Yeah…me neither.
You and I have trust, complete understanding and absolute openness, not to mention if we were to commit such an infraction it would be buried beneath layer upon layer of Pommard, Champagne, Martinis and Sancerre…we probably wouldn’t notice and likely wouldn’t care. “You slept with my husband? Hahaha me too, just another thing we have in common” that’s just who we are, we don’t judge each other and we don’t look for tiny bullshit to hold against one another, best friends of the rarest form and I adore you for that. So here’s the thing….
You once made me watch Snakes on a Plane. “You have to see this movie Sam, it’s awesome” I heard you tell me over and over again. You pressed, you pestered and you were relentless…I watched it. I lost an hour and a half of my life, I can’t get that back Aims. I sat, watched with my mouth agape thinking I would rather have someone pluck my pubic hairs out…one-by-one than go through this again. Call-o kept urging me to, “just turn it off already!” but I was steadfast, I knew there had to be something there…why else would you have me watch that steaming pile of a movie? They sprayed snake pheromones on the flowers in the cargo hold Amy……….snake pheromones! I should have exited when the, “mile high couple” were going at it in the plane’s lavatory and the girl was bitten on her big fake boobie, dude. But I didn’t I persevered and for what? I’m sure you remember the strongly worded email I sent you when that piece of shit finally ended.
So you know I have never really forgiven you for that, for leaving me with the memory of the single worst movie I ever had to endure. It was your fault and I always had this one thing I could hold over your head, “Snakes on a Plane Amy” and you would shoot me that big grin and say, “Okay! I thought you would like it” and back down. Well now, now I have to shamefully hang my head and say, “You are so off the hook”.
I passed on hanging with you tonight as you know, I was feeling tired, body was aching and my throat was killing me…not to mention the 5 bottles of wine you and I took down over 8 hours the day before…dragging, I was dragging, so when I got your text I was whimpering, just had to take a night off to regroup. Got home and nestled into my little corner of the couch, no emails, no one to chat with on facebook…a night off. Poured myself some Minet Pouilly-Fume and fondled the remote a bit before settling on a movie, I went with The Mist…sigh
Snakes on a Plane was The Grapes of Wrath next to this gawd awful film. I watched the whole freaking thing as a form of repentance for my taunting and endless snide remarks. After 20 minutes I longed to flip the channel but something inside me made me press on, I now know it was so I could free you from the shackles of, “worst movie picker ever”. I now own that title, it is my cross to bear, and trust me…I am feeling the pain.
(So I would warn that this is a spoiler but it's not...I'm saving anyone who reads this)
So there is this couple you see and they live on a lake with their son and there is a big storm, they go out to assess the damage and find that their much hated neighbors dead tree has destroyed their boat house…the hubby, (and soon to be “hero” of this abomination of a movie) goes over to swap insurance information with the hated neighbor. Long story short, they make nice and agree to take a ride into town, the tot in tow, to gather supplies. Anywho…the wife stays behind, the power is out and a bunch of shit goes down while these cats are in the market like buying Mac & Cheese.
Okay, so best as I can make out the townsfolk like lock themselves inside the market because something in the evil mist is ripping people apart, (they heard that from one frantic old dude that came running in the store screaming that they needed to lock the doors cuzz the mist ate someone or something) and no one knows what's happening. There is a new to town bad ass blonde that teaches the handicapped, (of course she does) the “hero” dude and his kid, the neighbor, some army dudes, a fanatical, and mean might I add…church lady and a bunch of other people.
So night falls and these creepy bug looking things start attacking the windows at the store, they all rally and fight them off…so cool. The church lady starts thinking it’s God’s will and he wants blood to pay for everyone’s sins and what not…oh and is she starting to get recruits…oh yes, yes she is. The “hero” dude and bad ass blonde are kicking ass left and right, setting those creepy bugs and even creepier dinosaur things that are trying to eat them on fire and stuff…there is sexual tension, palpable sexual tension, as there would be in such a situation.
So two camps form, (oh and by the way the neighbor…an integral part of the beginning of the story, breaks apart from the pack and gets eaten or something) the church lady camp and the sane people trying to do good for all camp…well, no good can come of this right? Yeah…fuck this was horrible. Anyway the good people, all 4, (5 if you count the kid) of them escape the market and take their chances, (well there was more than 4 but only 4 made it to the 4 seater car they got into…sigh) only to find that the “hero’s” wife was dead…(and they spent a good 2 seconds letting him weep for his beloved wife, I mean how much more did he need now that he had the bad ass blonde in tow) and the monsters had invaded and destroyed everything. So our “hero” he had this gun, they could suffer the painful death they would have to endure at the hands of the monsters, (that they find out were created by the Army, not sure why or how...might have been cool had they bothered to splain that one) or…our, “hero” could kill them all and end the suffering. Everyone in the car gave a somber, knowing nod and BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM, he killed everyone, including his son that he spent the whole movie trying to save, in the car…the last bullet was for him. He pulls the trigger and…drat, out of bullets. He gets out of the car ready for the monsters to eat him, but wait….it’s the military!
He killed them all for nothing and had to live with it…freaking awesome.
Amy I am so sorry for busting your balls about Snakes on a Plane, what I wouldn’t have given for some fake boobie biting and snake pheromones this evening.
Humbly Yours,
Samantha Queen of Bad Movie Picking.
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