Er... hi?

Long time, no blog. How are you all? I hope you had a fabulous Christmas. Santa spoiled me rotten, but I won't go into that here.

I've been getting lots of tweets, emails and Facebook messages from people wondering where my blog went. I'm surprised so many of you noticed! I wanted to thank you all for your concern and thought that since so many of you took the time to speak to me, I should explain myself.

I made my blog private a few weeks ago to have a play around with the layout. I only intended to take it down for a few days so that I could find something I really liked (what do you think, by the way? I'd quite like my sidebar back but I don't know how!), but when it came to returning it's public status, I just didn't have the inclination to blog anymore. I couldn't quite put my finger on why I was feeling like it, I just knew that I no longer cared. Not just about blogging, but life. I've always been a glass-half-empty girl, but this was different. I didn't care about anything. My job, my family, my relationship... nothing at all concerned me and I was living each day like a zombie. Waking up, going to work, coming home, going to bed, then repeating the cycle the next day, the day after, and the day after that. The days just merged together and it was as if I had lost my soul and personality along with my happiness. I wasn't me. I was just an empty shell, void of any feeling or emotion except complete and utter sadness. And the reason? I don't know.

I've been feeling like it on and off probably since the Summer, but it's only the last couple of months that I've wanted to hide away and never see anybody again. All I've been able to think about is things that have gone wrong in my life; mistakes I've made; things I can never change; things I've lost... people I've lost. I've suffered with depression really badly before, so I recognised the horribly overwhelming feelings, but felt powerless to stop them. I couldn't face anybody, and if I did, I was paranoid about what they were thinking about me. I was rundown, ill, snappy, irritable - just a bitch. But I am absolutely drained and don't want to feel like it anymore. Enough is enough. Are things really that bad? Okay, life has thrown some shit at me, but it has also brought me many wonderful people and experiences, and as always, there are plenty of people worse off than me.

I've perked up a bit during the last fortnight or so, which I fully expect to be down to Christmas, but at this precise moment in time, I'm feeling okay. Not good, but nowhere near as rubbish as I have been. Just okay. I know that everybody feels down from time to time, and I'm aware that everybody has lost somebody, made mistakes, or felt like the world is against them. If worrying about it makes me weak then good, I'll gladly have a weakened character as it means I am not super human. I am just a normal girl with normal insecurities. Thankfully I have had Mr Lollipop's support, and my family have been amazing too. For me to admit that there is something good in my life can only be a step in the right direction, and my family aren't something good in my life... they are something fucking AWESOME in my life, and I don't know what I'd do without them.

This isn't a 'woe is me' post - far from it in fact. I'm actually dusting myself down and picking up the pieces, starting with one of the things I love most - blogging. I also wanted to thank those of you who have given me advice or sent me lovely messages. I really do appreciate everybody who takes the time to read my blog, comment, or send me a quick message. I am very grateful for all of your support and I credit you to helping make me feel a little bit better.

That's enough melodrama for one day I think, I just needed to get it off my chest. I'm going to end this by saying a massive 'Fuck You 2010!' and by looking forward to 2011 with a lot of positivity. Normal blogging services will resume shortly :) And apologies for the swearing too!

xoxo